"Have a nice day!" - 'Thank you, but I have other plans.'
"Meow" ...splat... "Aarf" ...splat... (raining cats and dogs)
"My God, it's full of stores!" - 2001: A Shopping Odyssey
"You want to be buried or cremated?" "Surprise me."
(A)bort (R)etry (I)nfluence with large hammer.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight
Always forgive your enemies. They hate that!
Ambidextrose: able to put sugar in coffee with either hand
Atheism: A non-prophet organization
Cat bathing is a martial art
Chirpes: (n.) canarial disease, no tweetment.
Cream rises to the top...so do dead fish.
Define: (n.) De ting you get for breakin de law
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
DOS never says "EXCELLENT command or filename"...
Eagles fly, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Entomology: I fear no weevil.
Experience: what allows you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.
I tried snorting coke once. I almost drowned.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Intel calculations: 486 + 100 =3D or 585.9999999872364
Lawyer: The larval form of politicians.
Move your vowels every day or you'll get consonated.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
No, I'm not an elitist. Why do you ask, peasant?
Paranoid: someone who just figured out what's going on.
Pollytheism: (n.) the belief that God is a parrot. Well, that's part of it. Similar to Pantheism.
Smokey the Bear says, "Strip mining prevents forest fires."
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support Capitol punishment - spank your congressman. Now here's a idea for our times.
System error - press F13 to continue.
That was Zen, this is Tao.
The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant and Chocolate.
The trouble with life is the lack of cool background music.
Things you never hear people say; "Hand me that piano."
Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen and Stupidity. I thought they were the most dangerous, too.
Two silkworms were having a race, but it ended in a tie.